Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
