11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
