Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i dont even know how to be here
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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