what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
