Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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