my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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