i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
