It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
