I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
