Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
