Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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