Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
