i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we're making bets on your personal life
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
