The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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