I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
