Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
