i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
