We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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