there's paper in my vomit.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize