I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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