threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
