the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
