My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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