I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
