can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
