I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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