I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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