maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
