oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
