Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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