So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize