Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
