Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
