fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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