so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
