Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize