i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
