I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
