i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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