i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just found puke in my bra..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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