Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
