just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
