I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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