I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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