i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
50% drunk capacity currently
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
