Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
