This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
