I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize