I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
