Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize