When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
