ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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