Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
