sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
