Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
