ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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