My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
