"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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