You made me cry and you don't even care
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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